Yout00b: The Chronicles of Bernice “DaxFlame” Jauch III

This man.

This. . . Being, this Godsent entity of pure awesomeness. . .

DaxFlame, Bernice Jauch, Falsie McPalsie.

He goes by many a name, but I call him “Son of God”. He is, without a doubt, the best Vlogger on the interwebz, and without him; a supermassive black-hole would emerge in the centre of our solar system, sucking us all in and effectively killing us. He is, hands down, able to save the world. Simply by yelling out “CHIKA-CHIKA WHAAAT”. If it wasn’t because his life consisted of Vlogging and peeing, he would’ve gone to the Middle-east, yelled out “CHIKA-CHIKA WHAAAT” and thereby manage to cease all ongoing wars in the world, if not the entire universe. Hell, multiverses even.

Anyway, who is Sir DaxFlame? Nobody knows for sure. He is much like The Stig from Top Gear: Mysterious, anonymous and simply awesome. DaxFlame claimed to be called Bernice Jauch III, but recently (well, some months ago) made a Vlog inwhich he apologized for lying to the masses. I was greatly shocked. In fact, I banged my head against the bathroom wall whilst crying out loud. It was too much of a blow, my childhood Hero had lied to me. I consulted a several shrinks before meeting one who told me to stand on top of a roof and yell out “CHIKA-CHIKA WHAAAT” repetively. I did so, and I felt ever so lonely. . .

DaxFlame, if you are reading this. . .

Come home.

DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?

Fantastaliciousuperish Theories: Roleplay Kills

Roleplaying, specifically over the internet, makes people elitist arseholes without sympathy or emotion. This horrible mutation can be countered by the drug ‘Reality’.  It is not without side-effects however: The drug itself is addictive, and overdoses may bring with it effects such as ‘Friends’ (not e-friends), ‘girlfriends’ (not e-girlfriends) and the feared ‘Social Behavior’.

Because of all these effects, the drug is often banned in Roleplay communites; but may in some cases be prescribed in minor doses to prevent depression, anti-social behavior and suicidal thoughts. One example of an overdosis was the webcammed self-hanging of Kevin Whitrick.

He was obviously a hard-core MUSH roleplayer, as evident by his red T-shirts, as red T-shirts are the most common clothing article worn by roleplayers for some reason. I personally do not believe the stories about Kevin being teased and bullied in that chatroom. I believe that his level 70 Gnome Warlock lost all his gear while roleplaying in World Of Warcraft, and then he started to swear uncontrollably in the chatroom; causing his fellow chatters to call him “koksux0r” and “biatchluva”. He then proceeded to write, or rather draw, a suicide note depicting a necromancer summoning a pig from a barrel of lard with the text “ill b bak lolz”. He then tied the noose around his neck, stapled the note to his testicles and jumped off the chair.

That is what really happened, and just like Bill Clinton so wisely said:

“If you can’t chew on it, don’t ask me to lower the price.”

GOODNIGHT!

Eminem

Alright, I’m a metalhead. But I’m not a narrow-minded, one-sided caveman-wannabe like the stereotype presents. I am VERY open when it comes to music. In fact, I love rap as much as rock and metal. I’m not too keen on country music, but I haven’t really heard much of it. And I dislike techno, hardstyle etc. because I don’t think there’s any ‘feelings’ to it. Now, back to the rap part.

I’ve heard Eminem since he started in 199something. It was first on the radio, then it was my dad playing it and then it was myself listening to it. Of course, I also grew up with Bob Marley & The Wailers, Tracy Chapman and classics like AC/DC, Led Zep, Sabbath, Metallica and so on. Now, because I’ve always heard Eminem I’ve always loved it. I admire the way the words just flow from his mouth, the absolute genius lyrics and the fuck-the-norms attitude he has. All the controversy obviously caused him a shitload of trouble, but what the fuck do I care, his music is brilliant!

So, as expected, here are my favourite songs by Eminem. They’re on Imeem, so you’ll have to register. But don’t worry, Imeem is awesome so you’ll be okay. Also, the songs are not in order of awesomeness.

Business

http://www.imeem.com/minaminor/music/yQBy0F2i/eminem_business/

This song is by far one of his best. Just listen to the beat, the way the lyrics just flow perfectly (especially when he says “Hip Hop is in a state of 9-1-1″. This song usually loops in an eternity because of the sheer awesomeness it is.

Bully

http://www.imeem.com/people/U-s7x/music/zf2A_sTQ/eminem_bully/

I didn’t know this song existed ’til about four weeks ago. It is obviously a retaliation to Benzino, Ja, Suge and Irvine since Benzino did not accept his “deal” in Like Toy Soldiers. The flow is a bit unusual, but with unusual I mean epic. Do listen.

Just Lose It

http://www.imeem.com/thetess/music/ER6lxpsA/eminem_just_lose_it/

This song is both hilarious and, uh, more hilarious! It’s from Encore which was, in my opinion, the least best of his works. I liked this song a lot however.

Yellow Brick Road

http://www.imeem.com/danny00/music/Iiqr0mKf/eminem_yellow_brick_road_produced_by_eminem/

This song is a bit like a tale of his early life, and it’s really great. It has three verses, each of them rapped in a different style. The chorus is the same, though. Gives some sort of insight into his life, and it’s really good.

Forgot About Dre

http://www.imeem.com/people/Rl0wbM/music/BVTwzFmT/dr_dre_forgot_about_dre/

Although this song is feat. Eminem, it is still extremely awesome. Dre raps great, although his moves in the video are kind weird. Nevertheless, Eminem’s verse is the best he’s made in my opinion. One of those things you don’t want to end.

_________

So, those are my favourites. Of course there are Without Me, The Real Slim Shady, Cleanin’ Out My Closet and all the other classics; but I see these less often on “Top Hits By Eminem” so I thought they were worthy of a mention here.

Games I Think I Enjoy: S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Shadow Of Chernobyl

This post-apocalypticish, sci-fi’ish FPSWEFRPGAWOAFLEDS (First-Person Shooter With Elements From Role Playing Games Along With Other Awesome Features Like Eating Diet Sausages) has been been in and out my gaming-life since it was released.

You play as a Stalker. A salvaging, Terminatorly slaughtering, fascist fanatic with a gun, a knife and little rocks (called “Artefact’s”) that gives you superpowers, that aren’t really super. You kill bandits, ‘Loners’ (LOL, EMO-ANNIHILATION FTW) faction members, military, military elites, military rookies, military rookie elites and then mutants. Lots and lots of mutants. From the cute, skinny blind dog to the huge motherfucker called “Pseudogiant”. Granted, it is pseudo gigantic but “Pseudoabdomen” would’ve fit better. Because, basically, it’s an over sized human abdomen with thick thigs (must’ve been an American) and eyes where the intestines should’ve been. And, no, it does not have a ‘pseudopenis’.

Alright, the story is pretty straight forward.

You are found in a truck that kasploded, your PDA says ‘Kill Strelok”, a fat man called Sidorovich wants to rape you and then charge you for it, and to prevent that you must get to the center of The Zone before anyone else. Oh right, The Zone. Lemme keep it simple:

You know the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone? No? Wikipedia it, and add the pseudopenis, mutants, people, gravitational disturbances and zero women to it. THAT’S “The Zone” in STALKER.

Now, back to the story.

The fat “trader”-guy, Sidorovich (Is it only me that thinks of Coca-Cola Zero when I hear that name?), eventually tells you to “mega-pwn” some military rookie elites in something called Agropom. Agropom, what the fuck. That’s like a mixture of “Agriculture” and “Pommes Frites”. Which is, to be honest, quite an awesome combination. Anyway, you afterwards go to “The Bar” which is, no, not a huge fucking bar but a city. And then you go into the bar in The Bar and talk to the barkeeper called Barkeep. Barkeep does not bartend, it seems. Because he sells motherfucking guns. And small amounts of Vodka, but as it seems that nobody ever runs out of vodka and that vodka seems to cure disease in The Zone; His business is only powered by you, and you alone. Damn, boy. And you can’t even shoot him.

In fact, your character must become so fucking overwhelmed everytime he enters the bar in The Bar that he, being completely awestruck, is unable to pull out his guns or even his binoculars. Fuck, if you slaughter everyone and walk down into the bar in The Bar and everyone opens fire on you; YOU’RE FUCKING AWESTRUCK BY THAT TOO!

That reminds me, if you stick your gun in NPC’s faces they won’t talk to you. I haven’t tried sticking it in their feces, but I think they’ll turn hostile. Anyway, if you save a guy when he’s dying he becomes your friend and you can prod your mighty machine gun of doom into his eyes all you want. Even if you shoot him, he just basically goes “OKAY, MARKED ONE! YOU SERIOUSLY INJURED ME, AND I AM NOW BLEEDING TO DEATH. YOU HATE ME AND WANT TO KILL ME! WE’RE THROUGH!!“ , instead of shooting back. Yeah right, like that happens in Iraq.

Back to the story. Once you talk to Barkeep, he wants you to go into “X18″. Wowness, that sounds clichéd. So you kill this bandit guy to get the key, you go down, it’s real creepy and in the end…

Dum dum dum duuum. . .

——–THE PSEUDOPENISGIANT——–

It’s real fucking easy to kill. And then you walk into a room where you see Down-struck aliens in tubes, and you collapse and wetdream. Just kidding, they wouldn’t want to risk a Hot Coffee-case. Anyway, you fight out blah blah, and suddenly you have to go to X16. What the fuck, another “X”-lab. Double-clichéd, that’s a bit more rare. So you kill zombie-things and turn off this HUGE MOTHERFUCKING BRAIN THAT EMMITS PSI-EMMISIONS AND KILLS YOU IF YOU DON’T WATCH OUT,and then you get the fuck out.

Guess what’s next:

X10!

But, oh no! This little bitch got the scary MONOLITH CULT protecting it. You just shoot some more, and before you know it you’re in the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant and die. You also find out that you’re actually Strelok, and it was all just a big mistake. Touché.

Fantasticaliciousuperish Theories: Jesus was gay

Jesus Christ, the Savior of the Christians, was romantically and partly erotically attracted to men. Fishermen, namely. Of his 12 disciples, several of them were bearded fishermen. Some of them probably already had wives, yet others had not. Maybe conspiracy theorists are wrong, and the Priory of Sion is not keeping the descendants of Jesus and Mary Magdalene, but in fact protecting pornographic stone-imagery depicting what really went down during Jesus’ baptisement or whatever.

Interesting.

People are always afraid of the unknown. And for some reason, people are also always afraid of homosexuals. Especially if they have status, because as soon as they come out of the closet (like Elton John) they risk losing it all, much to the despair of the die-hard mega fans like Chris Crocker. Elton John didn’t lose squat though, because he was already a suspected gay since birth. Moving on.

When people are afraid of homosexuals, and the homosexuals are afraid of the people who are afraid of homosexuals, Then the people who are afraid of homosexuals are homophobic; and if they have homicidal/regicidal tendencies then they are a threat to society as a whole. Especially because they are often closeted homosexuals trying to feed their manly ego with anti-homosexual behavior. As it is, it seems, ‘gangsta’ to be homophobic and inhumanly cruel to anyone (or anything, including computers) that can read. And just to clarify, being ‘gangsta’ equals being cool right now but I will go in-depth on that at another date.

How would the world look now if Jesus was homosexual, and we knew it from Day One?

First of all, everyone in the Western world would be homosexuals. Anyone who converted would gayizise whatever religion they chose. Hitler would’ve slain straight people instead of homosexuals, but the Jews would still have been slaughtered (o, it’s always on the Jews). People wearing turban would probably be ‘fabulouzzz’ and it would be mandatory to add at least fifteen <3’s to your e-mails and text messages. In fact, your Windows Vista Sensual Edition would be the ONLY edition passing through quality assurance, while Apple would be shunned ’cause of being a homophobic company. Niké sweatshops in India would be a highly favoured job, poverty would not exist because stereotypical gay people are generous and the Christian would go extinct in around 2056 due to a complete lack of women, as they were all slain at some point in history due to the fact that there were no use for them. Except procreation, but half of the world’s population don’t even know what that means.

So, if Jesus was homosexual then the world would be ruled by the Chinese, the muslims and Saddam Hussein in around 2056.

Period.